What Have I Been Doing?

Wow…I can’t believe it’s been exactly four months since I’ve last been on here. I apologize for my prolonged absence, but I just couldn’t deal with running this thing while I was feeling so down. But I’m back, and I can’t wait to reconnect with everyone!

So…what’s been going on with Febry since she last posted? I think the biggest thing is that I turned 26 earlier this month. It’s not a very exciting age to turn, is it? I’m still getting used to the concept of not being 25 anymore, honestly, and it’s weird. I did have quite an enjoyable birthday. I saw my therapist (I know, who schedules a therapy session on their birthday?) and had a really nice chat with her about how much I’ve been progressing; I’m TWO AND A HALF MONTHS clean of self-harm! Then I got myself a cake flavored shake, took myself out to lunch, and ended with watching Call Me By Your Name for the third time.

Speaking of CMBYN, I might do a post on the movie and book since I’ve seen the film three times and I just finished the book last weekend. I cried at the end of both, okay. Prepare yourself, folks.

Other than turning 26, I’ve obviously been working on my mental health and trying to get better. I see my therapist, my practitioner, I’m taking meds for my depression and anxiety, and I now see a psychologist. Although I’m taking the right steps to heal, it’s still a struggle. I switched my anti-depressant from to Lexepro to Zoloft a couple weeks ago and that is definitely affecting me, making me more tired than usual and messing with my mentality. Hopefully it’s just a “my body needs to get used to this” sort of situation, cause apparently takes a few weeks for Zoloft to kick in.

I’m also taking a shift in my writing. I completely dropped the book I was working on during NaNoWriMo and am working on something new at the moment (finished the first chapter yesterday!), which seems ridiculous since I worked so hard on that story and was close to finishing, but I fell out of love with it. I really love the concept for my new story and I believe it’s something I can write with justice because the main subject hits close to home. I’ll start doing Writing Wednesdays again and share an excerpt next week!

Um…what else? Oh, I was thinking of discussing other things on this blog other than books/my writing. I’ve shared enough of my music interest that it would be natural to make music posts every once in a while. This is especially pertains to Eurovision, as national final season is drawing to a close and more songs/artists are revealed. I also want to write more about mental health and getting support for that. I hope you guys don’t mind that.

Anyways, it’s so great to be back! I hope you’re all having a lovely day, and talk to you soon.

xx Febry

“глубина” – Kristian Kostov: Thoughts

The wait is finally over. After hearing the dreadful word “soon” for what seemed like an eternity, Team Kris was finally rewarded yesterday with a brand spanking new song from Kristian Kostov, a Russian pop song titled “Glubina” (Depth). Trust me, folks. The wait was SO worth it.

I’ve been a fan of Kostov’s since Eurovision and I have to say, the boy can do no wrong no matter which language he sings in! His first single was in Bulgarian, second in English, and now Russian? Yeah, not everyone is that linguistically gifted or comes from a multi-lingual background.

I didn’t know what to expect prior to Glubina’s release, but I had an inkling Kostov would do something brilliant for the song. I also don’t know anyone else in the States who knows about his existence, so I wanted to promote the song in my own way. Keep in mind I live in the Midwest and in a small college town, so my luck to reaching anyone would be slim regardless.

But I did what I could. I put in the hours to write little letters promoting the single and  Kostov, even attempting to write out the song title in Russian. Here’s the outcome of that.

 

I made 15 of those and hid them around town on Thursday. I tried to place them as surreptitiously as I could, but you can imagine how hard that was to not look fishy. These are a few of the places they were hidden. I swear I didn’t just place them in bookish areas.

For a promo team of one, I think I did an alright job.

So what about the actual song? According to the receipts, I’ve listened to it about 160 times over the past 24hrs… Here’s the link to the lyric video if you wanna give it a listen.

Unsurprisingly, I absolutely love the song and concept for the lyric video. I wish I knew Russian so I’d know what the song is about, but the symbolism in the lyric video is evident and beautifully captures the essence of “Glubina.”

As a sidenote: major props to Kristian for doing that video shoot. He must have been so cold and breathless by the time that was finished! The next step is to do a something in the sky, right?

The thing is, the “Glubina” doesn’t  sound like every other pop song on the radio (none of Kostov’s songs do), and it’s refreshing. From the song’s intro, you have that Eastern European taste that’s unique to the region, while also having a modern feel. Kristian has such control in voice that a translation isn’t needed to feel the depth (no pun intended) and heart of the song’s message. The light and shade, as well as his soul, is there and it’s delicious to the ears!

I highly suggest you support Kristian and this song because he’s such an amazing talent and this song…I can’t get enough of it! Buy it on iTunes, stream it on Spotify, whatever. There’s really no excuse since it’s available worldwide. You might thank me later if you’re a fellow American and this is your first exposure to his music.

 

Writing Wednesday: Jason’s Demise

Since it’s Wednesday, you guys deserve a Writing Wednesday post. I really enjoy sharing snippets of my stories with you, and I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them. If not, that’s okay. You don’t have to read these if you don’t want. I’m just glad to be back and finally posting again after a crazy couple of months.

This comes from Betrayed, and it’s one of the last chapters that I posted. I should have picked something more light-hearted, but I think it’s a necessary fit for what I’ve been through.

Jason’s depression is getting the better of him in this excerpt. In fact, he’s contemplating suicide. Trigger warning for anyone sensitive to those subjects. It’s a really short excerpt, and again, I apologize. I don’t want to overdo it, you know. Love you guys loads!

Until next week,

Feb xx

4 Oct. SOTD

I realize it’s been ages since I’ve done one of these. I had to take some time off for myself, but I am finally back at it! I’m sorry for being gone for so long. I hope next time I take a break, it’s not for months. Anyways, here’s today’s song of the day.

There’s a reason why Secret Garden’s “Nocturne” won Eurovision back in 1995. It’s just stunning! The Irish-Norwegian duo impressed with this serene, predominately instrumental number. Whenever I listen to this song, I feel like I should be dancing in an enchanted forest or something magical is about to happen. It just has that Celtic vibe to it and it makes me swoon.

If you want to check out their Eurovision performance, click on this link.

 

From Suffering in Silence to Accepting Help

Wow. It’s been over a month since my last post. It’s not that I wanted to neglect blogging; I just couldn’t do it. Since it’s Sunday, a song of the day and book tag is expected as always but I’m not here to write either posts. I’ll try to return to my usual, but I can’t promise anything.

What I am here to write about is something highly personal. I’ve touched on mental health before, but I’ve never really spoken about my experience. Ironically, it’s World Suicide Prevention Day. Exactly two months ago, I attempted suicide.

*TRIGGER WARNING* This post contains talks of depression, self-harm, and suicide.

7.25 SOTD

Happy Tuesday everybody! Hope you’re all having a nice start to your day or whatever time it is where you are. It’s a beautiful day and I think I’m gonna get some writing done. Here’s today’s song of the day.

I chose “Незавършен Роман” by Bulgarian singer Victoria Georgieva because it’s such an amazing ballad. (I added an extra “n” in the title…ugh!) The first time I heard this song, I was captivated by everything—her voice, the melody, the lyrics. Everything about the song just moved me because I felt Victoria’s heart. The girl sings with soul and conviction. I had goosebumps the first time i listened to this song because it’s just that beautiful.

Naturally I don’t have a clue what she’s singing about, and I’m frankly too lazy right now to look it up, but that’s not necessary. The song translates to “Unfinished novel,” which insinuates there’s a touching narrative in the lyrics. Again, I feel it. She a very sweet, mellifluous voice that can smoothly recount a story, and that’s the vibe I get from this song.

Look this one up on Youtube and check it out. It’s stunning song. I guarantee you’ll be moved.

7.24 SOTD

Happy Monday everybody! How insane is it that July is nearly over? This is the last full week and then it’ll be August?!?!! Where did the time go?

Hope you’re all having a splendid morning/afternoon/night wherever you are. The sun’s out and there’s no more rain. It’s gonna be a good day (I think). Here’s today’s song of the day.

Cage the Elephant won a GRAMMY for this album, Tell Me I’m Pretty, beating the likes of Blink 182, Panic! At The Disco, and Weezer. Me being a fan of all four bands, my hopeful winner was up in the air. I didn’t really care, but I was secretly pulling for Panic! just because they’ve been my favorite band since basically the start of their career.

“Mess Around” is my personal favorite from this album. It’s such a catchy, groovy tune about a girl who’s kinda promiscuous. It’s one of those songs that, from the first second, you’ll want to dance around and belt to because it has such an infectious vibe. Y’all should give it a listen for yourselves!

90’s Movie Book Tag

This is the first book tag I’m doing in what seems like ages! I missed doing these, and I’m so glad to be back and feeling better enough to post again.

I’m feeling very nostalgic today. Who wouldn’t when there’s news of Hey Arnold!  coming back and the That’s So Raven reboot has kicked off? I love that my childhood is slowly, but surely making a reappearance. Now I feel the need to dig out some VHS tapes (those 2000’s kids don’t know what they’re missing out on) and watch some Swan Princess or Little Giants.

I give to you the 90’s Movie Book Tag, which I took from erikabooksandstars. I’ve seen 8/10 of these movies in my life. Growing up mostly in the 00’s, I probably wasn’t old enough to watch majority of them, but I definitely dug into them during my teen years.

Hope you guys enjoy my responses, and see you Wednesday for another Writing Wednesday post!

7.23 SOTD

Happy Sunday, everybody! Hope it’s not as gloomy where you are as it is for me. I love rain and I love petrichor, but the darker sky during daylight hours is making me so sleepy, I can barely function. See you later for today’s book tag. Here’s the song of the day.

I totally forgot how much I love The Strokes until “Two Kinds of Happiness” came on shuffle yesterday. I never really listened to this particular album, but when this song popped up, I had a feeling it shouldn’t be skipped. I was right.

“Two Kinds of Happiness” has such a great rhythm and the song, itself is very The Strokes-esque. If you’ve ever listened to their first albums, which I’m sure a lot of people have in the 2000’s if they listened to alternative/indie music, then you know that The Strokes has such a distinct vibe and Julian Casablancas’ voice is unlike any other frontman’s.

I really like this song and I’m currently listening to it again as I type this. Hopefully you’ll give it a listen if you’re not familiar with The Stroke’s music.The first two lines of the song are really telling and something we should all keep in mind when we try to find our whoever. It’s definitely a great life motto go live by.

Happiness is two diff’rent things
What you take and then what you bring

A Brief Rant About Mental Illness

I’m sure as everyone knows by now, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park took his own life a couple days ago. I’m not gonna lie and say his music was a big part of my life, etc. because it wasn’t. I never really got into Linkin Park, but I appreciate and acknowledge what the band has done for the alternative scene and the music industry.

With that said, it’s ironic how some people can say that Chester was “selfish” or “cowardly” for committing suicide when he was such an influence to many people worldwide. It’s also ridiculous how some say that depression/anxiety is an aesthetic—a phase that only teenagers are allowed to go through because they’re supposed to be rebellious and emotional, as they’re still figuring out who they are.

Well, that’s complete BULLSHIT. Yes, Chester was a frontman for one of the biggest bands of the past decade, but his fame and status doesn’t exempt him from depression.

Let’s turn the tables here. What if it was me?

You guys probably noticed that I have been away for the past couple weeks. Why was that? Because I was struggling with my own demons and tried to take my own life.

I’ve struggled for years. Just like Chester, I never sought help until last week. Why? Because of the stigma.

There is so much negativity towards having a mental illness, that I didn’t want to expose myself when I desperately needed it. I didn’t want to be the weirdo who claims to have anxiety or depression when I’m in my 20’s because at this stage, I’m supposed to have everything together and just suck it up.

So I suppressed everything and bottled it up all throughout my college years. That KILLED ME inside. I distanced myself, I hurt myself, I barely ate and I couldn’t sleep well, I shut myself down whenever I was around people—especially my family.

While I was doing all of that, I was basically failing and the only solace I had was music and writing, things that are viewed as just “hobbies” to most. But I used music make friends and to a select few, I confided in them. I wrote as an alternative to hurting myself (I won’t say how I did it, but I’ll just say that I never cut) because creating stories took my mind off of life.

I tried so hard to consume myself in things that would make me happy, but I still wasn’t. I was alone because I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone anything. I was unhealthy because of my poor eating and sleeping habits. I was ultimately saying “fuck life. I’m done.” because I knew I couldn’t get my grades up to where they needed to be.

I am definitely not a rock star and Chester definitely wasn’t a struggling college student like me, but we both have one thing in common: our thoughts were harrowing and we both didn’t want to live.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what your background is. You can have millions of fans and be financially stable, and you can still be unhappy with yourself. It’s not that difficult to pretend to be okay; I know that from experience. But it IS difficult to cope, especially when you’re trying to do it all by yourself.

Having depression and/or anxiety isn’t some teenage phase. They’re not some cute aesthetic to romanticize in books, TV, or movies. They’re serious issues that many people, myself included, struggle with on a daily basis. And there’s so much crap about it that we don’t often seek the help we need to get better. That’s why people drive themselves to such extremes.

This topic can’t be something people acknowledge each time someone famous dies, and it definitely shouldn’t be viewed as “taboo.” In order for people like me to be comfortable with being more open about our issues, the stigma needs to end. Suicide isn’t an act of cowardice, but an act of ending the struggle. People need to be more understanding and less judgmental or else it’ll never end.

Ok. Rant over.